FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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