get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
sex in a hospital.. check
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
