This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
