The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
