I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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