my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
