couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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