Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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