I wish my penis had an off switch
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
