so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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