you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
