i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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