there's paper in my vomit.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
