The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
the condom got lost in my hair
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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