Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
