Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
