my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Randomize
