I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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