i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
