Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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