The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
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