dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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