and my herpes radar will keep us safe
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
