Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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