just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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