It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
