things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
