i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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