I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
