I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
