There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
