i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
