I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
