Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
