Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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