The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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