Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
