I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
