Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
