I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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