he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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