I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
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