you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Randomize
