The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
