I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
