You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
