I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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