im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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