I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
