how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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