You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
A bitchslap is in order.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
