i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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