i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
