So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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