I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
