I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I checked into jail on foursquare
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
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