Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
